7th May 1954
Dear
Thomas,
I
know it’s been a while since I've written to you, but I think I'm ready to talk
about everything you said to me. The other night was just so weird for me to
process at that moment, I've kind of been stuck and I'm not too sure how to
address everything over a stupid letter.
I
think we need to talk this through properly- in person. It's just hard to
imagine things changing between us and I don’t want you to misinterpret
anything I write to you.
I
shouldn’t have pushed you away.
If
you would like to, please meet me in Hyde Park tomorrow, before your
appointment so we can just get things straight.
I
really miss talking to you, Tom.
Love,
Vienna. x
Dear
Thomas,
I'm
so sorry for upsetting you.
I'm
not really sure why you didn’t come yesterday but if you are still upset about
everything, I totally understand.
Maybe
I just didn’t see you, or you woke up late and had to rush to your doctor's
appointment, but I just wanted to know if you need more time to think about
things.
I'm
not mad at you at all. I understand that I wanted to distance myself for a
while so you have no obligation to just meet me now that I’m ready. I should've
accounted for your feelings when I make that decision, but I was being selfish
and stupid. I'm afraid my mistake may have cost me our friendship.
I
think I'm just overthinking as usual.
If
you have the time, can you please reply just saying where we stand at the
moment? I know I'm in no position to ask that, but I just need clarity for the
time being.
I
hope your appointment went well!
Love,
Vienna. x
11th May 1954
Dear
Thomas,
I
know these letters are probably getting really annoying and I should probably
just take the hint that you don’t want to talk, but I keep thinking about
everything.
I
know I hurt you the other night, but I genuinely wasn’t thinking right. I feel
like an idiot for even suggesting time apart because, in all honesty, you're
the only person who ever makes me feel like myself. Tom, you're my best friend
above all and I will always feel the need to look out for you, but I feel like
you want me out of your life for good.
Maybe
you think it's for the best, which I can't blame you for, but I'm just so
confused at the moment because that night you said it was fine and that you
didn’t hate me for wanting space, so I don’t understand what's happened in the
few days that we haven't spoken.
I
don’t want to be a burden, which is why you need to tell me to leave you alone
so I stop clogging up your porch with these dumb letters. If you don’t want to
talk to me directly, please just get Charlie to tell me.
I
know what I did was wrong but you're not completely innocent either. Please
don’t keep me in the dark after being friends for 11 years.
I'm
going to talk to Charlie tomorrow and see if he’s heard anything from you.
Love,
Vienna. x
Dear
Thomas,
I
went to see Charlie yesterday and he told me that you haven't even mentioned
what happened between us to him. I don’t know how to interpret that if I'm
honest, but I'm assuming you just didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I
tried to be as brief with him as possible because I don’t want to embarrass
you. I feel like that’s something you should tell your brother on your own. I
don’t want to overstep.
I
know it's not my business anymore considering you don’t want to talk to me but,
why didn’t you go to your appointment? It couldn’t have been that bad and you
know your doctor likes you to keep him in the loop with your progress, it seems
unfair to do that when your family is so worried about you.
I
think you should go and visit them; your mum seems worried and I think Charlie
wants you to meet his girlfriend. She seems sweet, very shy, but still
sweet.
If
I'm being honest, Tom, I'm starting to worry too. I feel like it's gone on long
enough with the silent treatment and I keep blaming myself for it all. I
understand I hurt you but you also can't expect me to react normal after such a
bombshell.
I
don’t think I deserve to be ignored for needing time to figure things
out.
Please
reply soon.
Love,
Vienna. x
24th May 1954
Dear
Thomas,
It's
been a while since I last wrote. I was going to leave our (very much one-sided)
conversation at my last letter but Charlie came to see me this morning.
He
said that you told him everything that happened and were going away for the
week to get some space. I think that’s a good idea for you to just take a break
from London, but it's not safe to go that far away from your doctor alone, can
you not take Charlie with you? I'm sure he would love to go to the beach for a
week after just passing his exams.
At
the end of the day though, you are an adult now and can make your own choices,
and I'm sure you have considered your treatment for the week while away. I'm
just being paranoid.
Anyway,
I think I needed that clarity from Charlie to know that you're okay. He said
you saw the letters but didn't want to give me the wrong impression? I don’t
really understand what you meant but I suppose you will elaborate on that after
you get back. Until then, I don't think I'll write to you, considering you
won't see it, but I'm just happy to know you're okay.
Please
write to me when you get home so we can arrange to meet up!
Love,
Vienna. x
2nd June 1954
Dear
Thomas,
It's
been few days after you should've come home and I've still heard nothing from
you? Are you busy settling back in? It's only been a week so I'm not too sure
how to take the lack of letters.
I've
been so excited to talk to you because I thought you’d be replying to me now
that you’ve had your break. You probably just haven't got around to writing a
stupid letter but I hope this one serves as a little reminder that I'm still
here.
I
hope your holiday went well!
Love,
Vienna. x
10th June 1954
Dear
Thomas,
It's
been weeks.
I'm
getting really fed up of sending you these stupid letters and getting nothing
back from you.
I
know I hurt you, but this silent treatment feels so stupid. It hurts not
getting any form of response and I'm sick of it. I feel like you’ve completely
pushed me to the side and left me in the dark about this whole situation.
I'm
sorry, Tom. I really am, but I don’t see how you can tell me you're in love
with me and then suddenly drop me off like I'm nothing to you. You’re making me
feel like a burden and, after 11 years of friendship, I feel like I at least
deserve a simple letter telling me you don’t want us to talk anymore.
I've
been so patient with you for so long.
I
don’t think you're looking at things from my stand point. You tell me you’ve
been in love with me for years and that you don’t think you can bare me not
knowing how you feel, then expect me to react normally to that?
I've
known you since I was 8 and, to me, it seems like our whole friendship was a
lie. I feel like you were just friends with me because you fancied me, and as
soon as I tell you I need to think about everything you said, you drop me and
leave me in the dark for just over a month? It seems like you’ve just dropped
me because you thought u didn’t have a chance with me.
I'm
done sending you letters, Tom. If you want to reply, you can, but don’t expect
a response unless it's you asking to meet in person. I'm sick of feeling like a
pest and sick of getting no sleep over you.
I
really hope you didn’t intend for me to feel like this, you will always be my
friend but I need you to stop treating me as though I'm insignificant.
I'm
not begging anymore.
Love,
Vienna. x
23rd June 1954
Dear
Thomas,
Charlie
told me you aren't coming home. Apparently, you never planned to.
I'm
assuming you never read my last few letters either, which makes me feel more of
an idiot now than I did before considering I'm writing a letter that you're not
going to read.
You
know something really frustrating, Tom? You also lied to Charlie about not
going to your doctor's appointment. He called the doctors and, considering
you're an adult, they couldn’t even tell him what the doctor told you.
He
came to me crying, Tom. He doesn’t know what's going on with you and he’s
blaming himself. He’s only young and he’s going through such a stressful time
waiting on his exam results, now his Ill brother is refusing to come
home.
If
you told him what the doctor said, I'm sure the reaction wouldn’t be bad, even
though I wouldn’t know since you haven't even bothered to tell me you're not
coming home, let alone about your appointment.
I
just want you to come home. We haven't spoken at all since you told me you
loved me and I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Or nothing at all for
that matter. I wish you would've just met up with me from the start and maybe
all of this wouldn’t have happened. Is it my fault you're not coming home? Are
you not coming home ever or just for a while?
I
won't get an answer and I'm okay with that, but I think the reason I'm even
writing this is to show myself that I can stop thinking about you properly. Or
maybe it's just because, even though I said I could, I don’t think I can stop
‘talking to you’.
If
I was sure that you were reading this, I would tell you that you're stupid and
I miss you. But since you aren't, I think I'll just keep imagining that you
are.
Love,
Vienna. x
Dear
Thomas,
Doctor
Brown called your mum today on an emergency check. Why didn’t you tell us it was
terminal?
He
called your mum and Charlie yesterday on an emergency call. He told them he
thought you were vulnerable if they didn't get in contact soon. He thinks
you're going to end it yourself, before the cancer does.
I
don’t think you understand how hard this has been to process. Charlie was the
one who has to break the news to me and he was inconsolable. He must've cried
for hours and practically begged for me to let him stay here for a while
because he can't bear to go home right now.
I've
just managed to get him to go to sleep on the setee and I'm now sat in my room
trying to force out tears. I need to cry but I just can't. I've tried
everything, I'm so frustrated with this whole thing.
I
have no idea whether I'm going to talk to you again or if we are ever going to
sort this.
For
God’s sake, Tom, come home and sort this out. Stop being so irrational and
actually grasp how much you are hurting people. You are being so selfish for no
reason. You’ve got me writing pathetic letters that no one's going to read
because I can't even think about not talking to you.
I
need you to come home. I need to talk to you about this. We can find a
solution, Tom. I have no doubt about it, but if you don’t come home ill have no
way of fixing anything.
I
feel helpless and I hate it.
Please,
don’t do anything stupid.
Love,
Vienna. x
Dear
Thomas,
I'm
so stuck, Tom. I'm so stuck.
I
can't sleep. Please come home.
I'm
sorry for everything I said.
I
wish you were reading this.
Dear
Thomas,
Why
am I even writing this?
I
keep trying to stop but I'm so worried and I don’t know what to do.
Charlie
moved back home today. I'm alone, Tom.
I'm
blaming myself and I need you to come home.
I
don’t know what you're planning but whatever it is, please don’t do it.
I'm
scared you're leaving me like this.
I
don’t want you to.
Dear
Thomas,
I'm
tired, Tom. You need help.
Please don’t do this.
Dear
Vienna,
I
know you only heard the news yesterday but I think we need to go to Tom’s
flat.
My
mum doesn’t want to go with me so I thought you would.
I
don’t want to go on my own.
From,
Charlie.
Dear
Tom,
I
found the letter you left in your flat. I'm not really sure why you never gave
it to her but I suppose you had your reasons.
I
don’t even know why I'm writing this but, since Vienna does it, I thought it
might help me try to understand why you did what you did.
The
police came round a few days ago and told us what happened. I guess Dr Brown
was wrong, you didn’t kill yourself, you just gave up. Cancer sucks, Tom,
that’s why I'm not mad at you. Being mad wouldn’t solve anything, it wouldn’t
bring you back.
Maybe
if you stayed at home, this whole thing would've been easier to deal with, but
didn’t even get to say goodbye to you properly. We could've spent so much time
together before anything happened, we could've stayed up late like we did when
we were kids and talked all night. There's so much I want to talk to you about.
I
feel like I've got this sort of responsibility to take your place in everyone's
lives, which is why I've been spending so much time with Vienna. Don’t get me
wrong, she's been a great with this whole thing but I can see her getting
worse. Shes spiralling and I'm trying so hard to fill in for you but im not
ready.
Going
to your flat yesterday was really hard. I saw all the pictures of us that you kept
up and I took the ones I liked. The ones I didn’t, I (reluctantly) gave to mum
to keep. She thought they were funny.
I
found the letter on the kitchen table before Vienna did, she was too busy
trying to figure out where you kept the old toys you shared. She said something
about the old spinning tops that you both painted and that she let you keep
them. I think she managed to find them in the end.
Leaving
a letter was thoughtful of you. You must've really loved her, I'm just sorry
that you both didn’t get the happy ending that you wanted because I always
thought you two would end up together, mum did too. If I'm honest, I was quite
upset that you didn’t write me anything but I can understand why you didn’t.
People get busy and I know you always had something going on.
There
are so many things I have to update you on, like Mia. Shes my girlfriend and
she's been the most stable form of support I've had through all of this, apart
from Vienna, but I suppose you
couldn’t
really call her stable at the moment.
I
feel like you're going to miss so much of my life that I wanted to share with
you. I keep thinking of when you said you were going to go suit shopping with
me for my prom. I was really looking forward to it, but it's okay, I'm going to
wear your old one, if that’s okay?
Hopefully,
in the next life, we will get a chance to grow up the way we should've.
I'm
so sorry that I couldn’t be there, Tom. I just hope you're not in pain
anymore.
I
love you so much. I miss you every day.
Love
from,
Charlie.
Dear
Vienna,
I
think you deserve some sort of explanation for everything.
I
don’t know where to start.
The
night that I told you how I felt, I kind of knew that was it for me. The weeks
prior I felt myself grow weaker and I knew my time was running short. I didn't
need a doctor to tell me that. Yes, I know he’s the professional, but, for
once, I think I needed to make my own mind up about my future.
Maybe
telling you my reasoning would make you understand me better but, I don’t
entirely know it myself. I didn’t want to waste away in this flat, with my mum
and brother who I would have to comfort. I know its selfish, but I don’t think
I'm capable of helping anyone else when my skin is thinning out.
Maybe
I'm being dramatic, but I genuinely think my bones are being shaven down. I
wouldn’t say I'm scared, I just don’t want to go out like this. Of course, it's
hard to deal with, but I'm doing well. As well as I can be.
I
don’t want you to think that I'm ignoring you. I mean, I am. But I'm not doing
it to be nasty.
I
got your letter today asking me to take Charlie on my ‘trip’ and asking to meet
up. I was planning on replying but I don’t want to give you any false hope
about me coming home. There's so much I wish I could tell you right now but it
all seems so hard to comprehend myself, let alone someone who isn't in my
position.
You’re
right, you don’t deserve to be ignored. You don’t deserve any of this, Vi. You
deserve to be with someone who will be around for you. Not a sick kid who can't
even be brave enough to say goodbye.
I
wish I could've been him.
I
knew that if I did get a chance to speak to you, you'd talk me out of it, which
is why I love you. Even since we were little, you were the only one who I could
see myself growing old with. I wish we had more time. I wish I had more time to
speak to Charlie. I wish I had time to say goodbye to my mum. I wish my illness
didn’t have to result in Charlie having to become the man of the house.
I
have so many regrets, Vi. But I'm afraid that not saying goodbye to you will be
my biggest one.
Everything
is so confusing at the movement; I don’t know what's going on but it’ll be
okay. I promise.
I
love you,
Tom. x
Dear
Thomas,
Charlie
gave me your letter yesterday.
I
wasn’t going to write back or anything but Charlie told me it might help me in
the long run.
Honestly,
I'm not too sure what to say. Everything has happened so fast. I don’t know how
to feel.
I
hate feeling this conflicted. I can't tell if I'm frustrated in you or myself.
I can't tell if the frustration is justified but I can't help but feel it.
This
whole thing could've been avoided if you just spoke to me. Why didn’t you speak
to me? I know you explained your reasoning for everything but there's still so
much we haven't said.
Our
spinning tops were in perfect condition when I found them. They were in a box
at the back of your wardrobe. I'm glad you kept them. Our names were still
painted on them but they had slightly chipped, though I'm sure you knew that
already. I also found some of my old shirts you kept in case of emergency. I
didn’t have the heart to take them back. It's not like id wear them again
anyway.
I
haven't slept since Charlie told me what you did. I keep thinking about
everything would say if I were given the opportunity. I'd tell you that you
were stupid and that I miss you every day. I'd tell you that I love you back
and just struggled to figure that out at first.
It's
always been you, Tom. When you told me how you felt, I just couldn’t comprehend
how much things were going to change. But when we stopped talking, it made me
realise how much I do love you and now I'll never get the chance to say it.
I'm
so lost. I don’t want this to be how I remember you.
I
wish it could've been you too. I wish we could've grown old together
and that you didn’t get ill. what you don’t realise is that it's
always been you and it always will be. I wish I could've spoken to you properly
about this but it's too late for wishes.
You’ll
always be him, Tom.
I
love you. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not over a letter. It's not fair.
I
miss you.
Love
always,
Vienna. x
By Katie Barber